Tense about tomorrow

Today is a big day. It's my third weigh in. Really should be the fourth but I had to skip one week because we were out of town hence the glorious 6 pound loss. Last weigh in was a weak showing for me-0.6 pounds. Jeez. That's what a sneeze weighs!

I am starting to feel that I am losing my way. I've studied mindfulness and intuitive eating-both non-diet approaches. So why am I on a diet? A regimen? A plan? Because I need the structure. I need to be accountable. And I rarely follow through when I am on my own.

The Today Show did some celebrity diet story yesterday morning. I missed the beginning so I don't really know for sure but I surmised that they were looking at how celebrities-whose airbrushed bodies appeared on magazine covers-lost weight. The two dietitians discussing the dieting tricks of the celebrities (not once mentioning that their bodies were probably air brushed!), displayed plates of food supposedly representative of each diet. Problem was that the food was unappetizing. White bland-looking sliced chicken, steamed broccoli all on a teeny white plate. Not very appetizing. No sauces. No gravies. No dressings. Bland. Blah. Blech.

That's the way people lose weight. Little variety in flavors, textures and colors. So they eat less. And less. And less. Until the pounds come pouring off.

Works for me EXCEPT that one day I will lose my resolve completely. I'll just have to eat something flavorful. I will be overtaken with desire for a crispy chip or a sweet treat. Once I cross over into the land of delicious food, it will be almost impossible for me to find my way back to the world of bland.

So I'm bored with the diet. I'm bored with saying no to myself over and over.

I haven't had any bread in four weeks. I haven't had any white rice, white pasta, or anything else white and starchy. I've eaten smaller portions. I've had almost no sugar. I've been eating fish and chicken and chicken and chicken. I've done my best to stick to the oil restrictions. I should be a rail. I should have lost twenty pounds by now. Well, okay, realistically ten pounds. But it hasn't happened.

I'm certainly eating half as much in quantity and much better quality of food. More fruits and veggies for sure. I hate this. I hate it so much. If only my belly were gone or there were some outward manifestation that my asceticism was working. If only I weren't such a wimp. If only I had never gotten fat. If only chicken wings had no calories. If only pizza and pepsi had magical powers that could cause me to lose weight. If only....