Monday, May 19, 2008

Obsession, the food network and pleasure

Four weeks. What have I learned? That I'm obsessed. That I may be hopeless and helpless when it comes to food. That I'm fat because I'm weak. Should I be saying these things about myself? Harsh descriptors. And true.
I'm not angry at myself. Just as I haven't felt guilty for my transgressions over the last four weeks, I'm not pissed because I'm weak, obsessed and hopeless. Of course not. I'm thrilled with myself. Proud. Sure. And the moon is made of green cheese. Oh, a food analogy. How fitting.
By George, I don't have it yet! Every minute of every day my mind is preoccupied with food. What will I eat next? Should I just have one bite, one little bite of something forbidden? Should I put less on my plate? More? Should I finish that one tiny last morsel or leave it over? Will it make a difference? Is this what drug addicts feel when they're in detox? Because I'm close to out of control today. And I've got work due soon. I have to clear my mind-get the thoughts of food out so that the creative ideas I depend on will have space to move in. It's like I have a remote control in my hand. As I'm flipping through the channels the food network keeps popping up even though I'm trying hard to stop the button on CNN! I'm using both hands but the food network is stronger than CNN-stronger than my good sense!
I just don't know how to rid myself of these thoughts. Food. It has nothing to do with hunger. I'm not hungry right now. I just finished my oatmeal. Tasty. Enjoyed it. But I want something else now. Something crunchy, maybe. Salty. I want to just eat mindlessly. That's what I really want. I want to sit down with a big bowl of something, a good book and the TV turned to some cooking show. I want to sit at the table reading, watching TV and eating without thinking of the consequences. That's it, you see. It's the consequences that are driving me crazy-driving me to want to go where I shouldn't go and do what I shouldn't do. I don't want to gain back the little weight I've lost so far. I don't want to suffer the consequences of being overweight. More than anything, though, I want to be able to lose weight. I want to conquer this. How can controlling what I eat be so damned hard? It's just food. It's just food. But it isn't just food to me. It's pleasure.

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