Blog Illiterate

I read blogs. I read lots of them but I'm not sure how to do this for myself so please, if you should happen to be reading this, be patient. I don't know how to format it. I have no intention, by the way, of notifying friends and family that this blog exists so perhaps the apology is not necessary since I might be the only one who will be reading it.
My nickname in elementary school was Fatty Matty (Matty being my maiden name; Fatty being the adjective used to describe my figure!). In truth, I wasn't really all that fat so I'm not sure why I was lucky enough to have been dubbed Fatty but so it was. I suppose it could have been worse. Batty Matty? In those days, we wore lots of crinolins (big poufy slips under our skirts and dresses to make them stand out). I always blamed my corpulent appearance on the crinolins but the truth is, the other girls didn't look as pudgy as I did so maybe there was some truth to the nickname.
From childhood to old age (where I am now), I've lost and gained probably thousands of pounds. Any of you who have a weight issue, will commiserate I'm sure. But I've never been able to sustain the loss. I get hungry. That's the only way I can describe what happens.
And I should know better.
I'm a registered dietitian who happens to be fat. Yea, that doesn't make much sense, does it? It's like a financial advisor who is penniless or a fashion designer with no personal style. But these things happen. Really they do. A financial advisor might be really good at making money for you but not so good at doing it for herself. And that fashion designer might have dynamite ideas for your dress but no idea how to dress herself. And so it goes. I could help you lose weight-I know all the tricks. But I've got ways around the tricks so I don't let them work for me!
Here's the thing, though. I want to lose weight. Well, let me amend that statement. I don't care if I lose weight or not-I don't care what I weigh. I just want to look better. And let me qualify that-for someone my age looking better doesn't mean being able to wear low slung jeans or a bikini. Maybe a little less muffin top. Perhaps a bit less double chin. That's all I want.
See, I feel fine. I'm not experiencing any health problems related to being fat. And I'm sure old enough to be failing if my excess poundage was hurting me in some way. The only way it hurts right now is the damage the fat does to my self esteem-which has always been on shaky ground anyway. If you grew up with the moniker Fatty Matty, you'd have self esteem problems, too.
Please don't tell me about the latest greatest weight loss scheme. Of course, I've tried lots of them, silly. Even the ones I know are spurious. Even the ones I know won't work. I'm not really different from any other fat person that way. I'm looking for the easy way out. I want to be svelte by the weekend. I'm tired of that snap at the waist of my jeans popping open every time I take a deep breath. Oh, and while we're on the subject of jeans-even the new belly slimming ones that are actually quite comfy just push the fat up to my middle so that I look like a distorted sausage oozing meat in the middle.
Don't get me started on clothes! Whose figure are they using as the model? Do they know that there are "real" women out there who don't want to expose their navels-and believe me you don't want to see mine! And does every shirt have to plunge to expose heaving breasts? Look, no one wants to see my naked flesh. No one. Least of all guys. I'm too old. I'm too fat. But mostly I'm too old for that sort of thing. So could someone please make clothes that are both trendy and subtle?
Dieting. Ugh. It's been a while since I even considered it. I mean, restricting my intake? Not eating my favorite foods? Avoiding fat and sugar? Are you kidding???? Oh, by the way, I eat out for a living. I'm a food writer. I'm a dietitian by training but I wouldn't be so bold as to counsel someone else with eating habits probably a bit more sane than mine. So I write about food instead. That way I can spend endless hours obsessing over my last meal and get paid for it. A bit pathological, I guess.
One more thing (or one more before the many others): I exercise regularly with intensity. I work out six days a week, usually two hours a day. I would happily match my physical strength and aerobic capacity against a woman half my age. So for all you people who think exercise is the key, it is if you don't work out now but it isn't if you do.
See, I eat too much. I even eat too much of the good stuff. I make a morning smoothie with 8 ounces of 1% milk, 6 ounces of chocolate flavored yogurt, 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup, two frozen bananas and 1 cup of frozen berries. Do you not think I know it's too much for one person?? Of course, I know that. But it tastes so good. If something tastes good, I eat it. I keep eating it until it's gone. I don't make myself sick over it, though. I can stop if it gets to be painful. It isn't a binge. There's never been purging. Why would I want to rid myself of something enjoyable? I don't eat until I'm sick or unable to move. But I do eat way too much of stuff that tastes really good.
Fried food. I love breaded and fried chicken. Fried vegetables (as in tempura). Chicken fried steak-not so much. Fried fish. Yes. French fried potatoes. Yum. Pasta. Love it. Bread? No problem. Could give that up easily. Cake, candy, cookies? Take them or leave them-mostly leave them. Pepsi? Oh, my. The beverage of my dreams. Real Pepsi (not Coke) with sugar (oh, yes, even high fructose corn syrup). Pizza. No pepperoni. I'm a purist. No toppings but mozzarella. Chinese food? My absolute favorite. And I'm not talking about steamed veggies, either. Sure, those are good but that's not what I choose at a Chinese restaurant. I want some noodle dish swimming in grease. Please don't tell me that the Chinese don't eat that way in China. Duh. I'm talking about what I like-not what the Chinese like.
Gnocchi. In pink sauce which means cream mixed in with tomato sauce. Maybe a few walnuts thrown in for good measure. And a pea or two just for color.
Sushi? Love it-especially the choices topped with calorie laden eel sauce or dynamite sauce (mayonnaise). And the aforementioned tempura.
I don't eat after dinner or between meals. Not hungry really. After all, I've eaten my fill and more at meals so there's no temptation between meals so I'm not a snacker.
Ice cream. Premium creamy cold ice cream. Oh my. Love it. Three or four flavors in a bowl. A big bowl. A very big bowl.
Mindless eating? No. I'm quite well aware of what I'm eating. I know how much is in my portion compared to how much should be in a portion. I don't eat while watching TV nor do I eat at the movie theater. Eating is its own activity. Well, that's not entirely true. I do read while I eat because I read all the time. I even read while I watch TV. But the eating I do while reading is not mindless because I've served myself a portion that I intend to finish. Seconds? Rarely. I usually put plenty on my plate so there's no need to go back for more.
I'm getting tired. So, you've read my excuses. Are they like yours? I know they're all excuses. I'm so smart just not smart enough!