Defeat and Victory

Well, I am giving up and giving in. I did it again. I joined WW today. I'm actually relieved. I haven't been doing anything at all to help myself. I've been overeating. Making poor choices. Not being mindful. And getting fatter. I need some structure and I don't mean a diet plan. I'll count points. I'll get weighed. I'll start to get back to mindful eating. It's been two years since I started this blog and went on WW last time. And I'm right back where I started.
Dieting most certainly is not the answer. WW is not the answer. I'm the problem and the solution. I had to do something, though. So I chose something familiar and comfortable.
I'm hoping this helps me get back on track. I wish I could believe that I will lose some weight and maintain the loss but that would mean changing my habits for good. I'm already thinking about what to eat on Mother's Day and on my birthday. I'm thinking about dim sum and french fries and Pinkberry and I haven't even started WW yet!
I admit that food is my comfort. Food is my pleasure. Other things give me pleasure but nothing like a crisp fry or a flavorful slice of Peking Duck on a fluffy white bun. Those are pleasures that cannot be denied. Finding a way to incorporate them into a healthier lifestyle--that's the issue. Learning to have one piece of duck skin and a handful of fries. I shall endeavor to work towards that goal.
In the meantime, I'll be counting points, eating more veggies and avoiding restaurants for a while until I've regained control.
Sigh.

Weight Watchers?

Am I really on WW? I don't ever look at the program book. I don't keep a food journal. I don't weigh and measure or count points. I just eat-what I know I should be eating. Fruits, vegetables, lean poultry, fish, low fat dairy, whole grains. OMG. If I were on WW, I would be paying more attention to the points I eat on the weekends when I allow myself to eat out and choose ingredients that "cost" points. But I don't.
I go for a weigh in. I pay my $13. I don't read the literature the leader hands me after I am weighed. I don't stay for the meetings. I can't. I'm an RD. I know more than the leader and the leader says stuff that he has been told to say. Some of it he misstates. I heard him tell a woman some long discredited info about drinking water. The latest scientific info says that we don't need the 8-10 glasses of water that's been touted in the media. But he can't know that because he's just parroting what some old WW's leader told him.
I'm really not like most of the other people there. I don't eat when I'm depressed (I'm rarely depressed) or sneak food or eat at McDonald's (Yuck!) or any other fast food restaurant. I don't use butter on my bread or eat chips and dip or drink beer. I haven't had a three egg omelet in my life. Cheese? I'd rather die than eat cheese. I rarely snack. I've been exercising my whole life-more vigorously than most people will ever attempt. I'm fat because I eat too much. Of very good food. Well prepared food. And because I'm older and it just gets harder and harder to keep the weight off as you age. Oh, and let's not forget the Pepsi. That definitely contributed. But I haven't had a deliciously fizzy sweet Pepsi in a while.
The less I eat out, the more I lose. Whether it's because of poor choices (too any calories in the dish I order) or because I eat too much (most usually the case), eating out is the problem. At home, I'm fine. I control every aspect of the meal-the ingredients, the cooking technique and the quantity I serve myself.
So I guess I'm not on WW. I guess I'm doing what I should be doing which is eating healthfully in a mindful manner. Just not sure I can sustain this for the rest of my life. One day at a time.
So I guess I'm not on a die*t and certainly not WW. I just use WW to keep me honest.

weigh in again

My spirits are down. 0.4 lb. I mean, that's not even 1/2 pound for goodness sakes. That's ounces. That's what my hamburger weighed! Well, maybe that's the problem right there. That's what my burger weighed last night. Maybe a bit too much. I'm in a slump. I'm disheartened. I'm sad. Sigh.
Oh, well. Back to thoughts of indulging on my birthday on Saturday. Which do I want more? Fried chicken or a smaller waist? Ribs or a flatter tummy? French fries or fewer rolls around my bra? It's one or the other. Apparently I cannot have it both ways. Every little indulgence seems to stick to my ribs, my ass, my waist and my belly.
At this rate I will reach my goal weight in 2009! Why, 0.4 lb could just be the difference between peeing before the weigh in and not peeing. Give me a break!

Weigh-in details

At least I lost weight.....as if that makes me feel any better. 1.2 pounds. Sure. That's better than gaining 1.2 pounds. But that little bit represents one week of deprivation. Okay. Maybe not deprivation. I've been eating. Plenty of food. Good food. But boring food. Nothing creamy. Nothing crunchy. Nothing salty. Nothing sweet. Just wholesome food. There must be a halo over my head!
LA again this weekend so a potential food orgy if I allow myself to indulge. On the way to the meeting, my head was full of thoughts of LA food. Maybe the thoughts are making me lose weight more slowly. Maybe it's all in my head!
"Order a hamburger and fries", Wicked Sharon whispered. "You can eat half", she said. As if....
"Order the chicken. You like the way Rustic Canyon cooks chicken", Sensible Sharon chimed in. "Then you don't have to eat half your dinner. You can eat as much as you want." As if....
So, here it is three days before the meal with seven meals to eat before Friday night and I'm already wrestling with what to order on Friday night. Is this normal? Normal for me but it cannot be normal for everyone. I think other people are thinking about their lives. I'm only thinking about food!